Thoughts from category: love

the innocent cut out & keep Valentine's dinner for two

Tired of going out for Valentine’s Day and finding that everything costs twice as much? Worry no more. The innocent cut and out keep romantic dinner for two has everything you need to enjoy the day and save you money. 

The innocent cut out and keep romantic dinner for two includes:

  • Your very own innocent smoothie
  • A glass of the finest red wine we could draw a picture of
  • A fancy candle (please do not set fire to the fancy candle)
  • A nice flower (please do not set fire to the nice flower)

Simply print out and assemble your innocent romantic dinner for two using the provided stands.


WARNING: You must only use one innocent cut out and keep Valentine’s Day dinner at any given time. Using two at once may lead to a ‘Mrs. Doubtfire situation’. If you do find yourself in a ‘Mrs. Doubtfire situation’, do not sneak into the kitchen to put pepper on Pierce Brosnan’s food. He is allergic to pepper. What might seem like a novelty way to interrupt the family dinner which Pierce Brosnan is attending with your ex-wife is actually a serious crime. It’s amazing that Mrs. Doubtfire then got work as a children’s television entertainer considering that she should probably have been charged and possibly sent to prison. In fact, most of that film falls down when you think about it too much. WARNING: Do not think about Mrs. Doubtfire too much. Do not bring up Mrs. Doubtfire during your real life romantic dinner for two. Remember to ask your date about their hobbies and interests. Tell them about your own hobbies or interests. Unless, that is, your hobbies and interests involve pretending to be an old English woman with a Scottish accent in order to see your estranged family. We’ve been over this. Please buy smoothies.

Valentine's Card messages


Writing a message in a Valentine's card can be a tricky business - is it too soon to throw down the l-bomb? Is 'regards' too formal? One kiss or two? Whether you've been with your significant human for twenty years or one exhausting weekend we've got a few helpful, and not at all risky, suggestions for your message inside the card:

1. Your hair always looks fairly clean.

2. I think you’d still look nice even if all your jeans were slightly too short.

3. Your face reminds me of a painting by a famous painter. But not the Mona Lisa because everyone knows that one and it’s too obvious.

4. If you told me a secret I wouldn't tell anyone. Unless I strongly believed that it required intervention from the relevant authorities and standard human morality dictated my actions accordingly.

5. I’d always swipe right for you.

6. If we only had one phone charger I’d let you plug your phone in first and get it up to 15% battery before unplugging it.

7. If you used Internet Explorer, and favoured it over other search engines even after trying all the alternatives, I would learn to accept it.

8. If you got really drunk, and were embarrassed about it the next day, I’d always tell you that you ‘weren’t that bad’.

9. You look a bit like that actor/actress from that film I saw that time. I don’t remember their name, or what else they've been in, but you’re a dead ringer.

10. I’d sit through an entire episode of Waterloo Road if you wanted to watch it. I wouldn't be happy about it. But I’d do it.

11. If we went food shopping, and I was packing the bags, I'd pack the heavy stuff into the one I was going to carry home. Even if we had bought extra milk because your parents were thinking of popping by.

12. I've learned to live with the fact that you’re ‘not really an animal person’. But I might silently judge you for it.

13. If you had cold feet, I would take my socks off and insist that you wear them, even if my feet were also quite cold. You’re worth having quite cold feet for.

14. I don’t put mushrooms in stuff because I know you don’t like them. I really miss mushrooms, you know.

15. You are my favourite human. Even counting my parents and people I've known for years who’d probably be offended if they knew.

We should probably mention that you use these messages at your own risk and innocent cannot be held responsible for any coincidental relationship breakdowns that occur shortly afterwards.