The Queen is 90 today. Here are ninety things you need to know about the Queen:
1. She refers to herself as 'Juan'
2. She puts a flag up every time she goes home
3. She's singlehandedly keeping the telegram industry in business
4. She puts up with Philip
5. She stops people from eating swans
6. She probably doesn't know who the Kardashians are
7. She has a signature wave
8. She's always on the money
9. She doesn't have a driving license but she still drives
10. She doesn't need a passport to travel
11. She can't be arrested. She is the law.
12. She drinks champagne every day before dinner
13. She has her own cash point in her basement
14. She is the world's most underrated lad
15. Her middle name is 'Regina'
16. She is the face that launced 1000* ships (*23 which is still a lot)
17. She made garden parties a thing
18. All of her dogs have funny names
19. She had a corgi named 'Dookie' as a child, proving she's a fan of Green Day's early records
20. She probably doesn't know that Zayn has left One Direction to embark on a solo career
21. She really put her stamp on the postal system
22. She has Cocker Spaniels called Bisto & Oxo
23. She sat through N-Dubz at the 2010 Royal Variety Performance without trying to leave once
24. She was given a sloth on her travels
25. She's never taken the sloth on a state visit
26. She needs to hire a more pro-sloth PR team
27. She photobombed that one time
28. It doesn't matter how far in advance she tries to book it off, she always has to work on Christmas Day
29. She's never had 6 wives
30. She's never beheaded any of them
31. She's never sent anyone to the Tower
32. She's not a violent sort of person
33. She thinks it would be foolish of us to not mention smoothies at least twice in this list
34. She definitely loves innocent smoothies
35. She's met Churchill, Kennedy, Hawking. Alexandra Burke. All the big names.
36. She's always dressed like she's ready to crash a wedding
37. She probably always goes for the 'speedy boarding' option
38. She's opened a lot of good bridges
39. She said 'annus horribilus' once which sounds sort of rude
40. She's probably never had a kebab after a night out
41. She has the power to create Lords. Appoint them, not magic them out of thin air.
42. She has an excellent grumpy face
43. She has an excellent happy face
44. She's the master of small talk
45. She is singlehandedly responsible for the periodic booms in the bunting industry
46. She technically owns all sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins within 3 miles of UK shores. They are known as 'fishes royal'
47. She has a corgi called Monty
48. She has a corgi called Linnet
49. She used to have a Corgi called Susan. RIP Susan.
50. She's probably never assembled flat pack furniture
51. She looks good in an oil painting
52. She's keeping brooch makers in business
53. She probably uses the word 'poppycock'
54. During her reign there's been 12 prime ministers, 6 popes and about 27 Fast & Furious films
55. She was definitely landing a killer punch line when this photo was takenhttps://twitter.com/innocent/status/723092724618956802
56. She's sent more tweets than your grandmother ever has
57. When she shops, she shuts the place down
58. She's probably never described her relationship status as 'complicated' on Facebook
59. She has 2 birthdays. Just because she can
60. Pubs will be allowed to stay open 2 hours later on her official birthday in June
61. She probably doesn't know what Emojis are
62. She used ration coupons to buy the materials for her wedding dress in 1946
63. She's the only person who gets to sing 'God Save Me' during the National Anthem
64. She probably uses the word 'whoopsidaisies'
65. She's probably never played 'Cards Against Humanity'
66. She's one of the only people who can get away with referring to herself in the third person
67. She combined a Corgi and a Daschund to make Dorgis
68. She has a Dorgi called Vulcan
69. She has a Dorgi called Cider
70. She has a Dorgi called Candy
71. She has a Dorgi called Berry
72. She was definitely on the sherry when she came up those dog names
73. Gary Barlow organised her Diamond Jubilee party for some reason
74. JLS performed
75. So did Blue
76. So did Atomic Kitten
77. Grace Jones hula hooped for a while
78. On reflection, hiring a professional party planner would have been a good idea
79. She's probably never worn tracksuit bottoms
80. She's the only monarch with a ferris wheel capsule named after her
81. We get a day off when she does stuff
82. She pretended to jump out of a plane at the Olympics opening ceremony
83. She'll write you a letter if you live long enough
84. She's probably never had a microwave meal
85. She could shut parliament down. If she wanted to.
86. She's probably shouted "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" as a joke when somebody made fun of her
87. She's done a lot for pastel coloured overcoat/hat combos
88. She probably couldn't name any of the members of Blazin' Squad
89. She's so far reigned for 23,451 days - which is about as long as the battery life of the Nokia 3310
90. Today is only her unofficial birthday, so it probably isn't all that big of a deal. Forget we mentioned it.