christmas crackers

Tired of always getting rubbish jokes in festive crackers?

Sick of reading the one about the grape being stepped on?


Wine no more.

Just copy and paste the jokes below, print them out on office stationery before you go home for the holidays and then cut them into little slips to wedge inside the crackers come Christmas Day.

Here's ho-ho-hoping they provide at least 20 seconds of festive fun

Why didn’t the Eskimo need to write down his Christmas shopping list?

Because Inuit

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho!'

Why did Santa lay off the egg nog?

Because it was bad for his elf

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

“Can you smell carrots?”

Why should you invite a mushroom to your Christmas party?

Because he's a fun guy to be around

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy

What does the Christmas weather forecast look like, darling?

Rain, dear

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas?

Cross-mouse cards

What does Santa do with fat elves?

Sends them to the Elf Farm

What’s red and white and goes ‘Oh oh oh’?

Santa walking backwards

N.B Some of these jokes were written by us. The rest were shamefully pillaged and plagarised from the internet. We're not proud. But we are honest.