Menu

Thoughts from category: random stuff

90 important things about the Queen

The Queen is 90 today. Here are ninety things you need to know about the Queen:

1. She refers to herself as 'Juan'

2. She puts a flag up every time she goes home

3. She's singlehandedly keeping the telegram industry in business

4. She puts up with Philip

5. She stops people from eating swans

6. She probably doesn't know who the Kardashians are

7. She has a signature wave

8. She's always on the money

9. She doesn't have a driving license but she still drives

10. She doesn't need a passport to travel

11. She can't be arrested. She is the law.

12. She drinks champagne every day before dinner

13. She has her own cash point in her basement

14. She is the world's most underrated lad

15. Her middle name is 'Regina'

16. She is the face that launced 1000* ships (*23 which is still a lot)

17. She made garden parties a thing

18. All of her dogs have funny names

19. She had a corgi named 'Dookie' as a child, proving she's a fan of Green Day's early records

20. She probably doesn't know that Zayn has left One Direction to embark on a solo career

21. She really put her stamp on the postal system

22. She has Cocker Spaniels called Bisto & Oxo

23. She sat through N-Dubz at the 2010 Royal Variety Performance without trying to leave once

24. She was given a sloth on her travels

25. She's never taken the sloth on a state visit

26. She needs to hire a more pro-sloth PR team

27. She photobombed that one time

28. It doesn't matter how far in advance she tries to book it off, she always has to work on Christmas Day

29. She's never had 6 wives

30. She's never beheaded any of them

31. She's never sent anyone to the Tower

32. She's not a violent sort of person

33. She thinks it would be foolish of us to not mention smoothies at least twice in this list

34. She definitely loves innocent smoothies

35. She's met Churchill, Kennedy, Hawking. Alexandra Burke. All the big names.

36. She's always dressed like she's ready to crash a wedding

37. She probably always goes for the 'speedy boarding' option

38. She's opened a lot of good bridges

39. She said 'annus horribilus' once which sounds sort of rude

40. She's probably never had a kebab after a night out

41. She has the power to create Lords. Appoint them, not magic them out of thin air.

42. She has an excellent grumpy face

43. She has an excellent happy face

44. She's the master of small talk

45. She is singlehandedly responsible for the periodic booms in the bunting industry

46. She technically owns all sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins within 3 miles of UK shores. They are known as 'fishes royal'

47. She has a corgi called Monty

48. She has a corgi called Linnet

49. She used to have a Corgi called Susan. RIP Susan.

50. She's probably never assembled flat pack furniture

51. She looks good in an oil painting

52. She's keeping brooch makers in business

53. She probably uses the word 'poppycock'

54. During her reign there's been 12 prime ministers, 6 popes and about 27 Fast & Furious films

55. She was definitely landing a killer punch line when this photo was takenhttps://twitter.com/innocent/status/723092724618956802

56. She's sent more tweets than your grandmother ever has

57. When she shops, she shuts the place down

58. She's probably never described her relationship status as 'complicated' on Facebook

59. She has 2 birthdays. Just because she can

60. Pubs will be allowed to stay open 2 hours later on her official birthday in June

61. She probably doesn't know what Emojis are

62. She used ration coupons to buy the materials for her wedding dress in 1946

63. She's the only person who gets to sing 'God Save Me' during the National Anthem

64. She probably uses the word 'whoopsidaisies'

65. She's probably never played 'Cards Against Humanity'

66. She's one of the only people who can get away with referring to herself in the third person

67. She combined a Corgi and a Daschund to make Dorgis

68. She has a Dorgi called Vulcan

69. She has a Dorgi called Cider

70. She has a Dorgi called Candy

71. She has a Dorgi called Berry

72. She was definitely on the sherry when she came up those dog names

73. Gary Barlow organised her Diamond Jubilee party for some reason

74. JLS performed

75. So did Blue

76. So did Atomic Kitten

77. Grace Jones hula hooped for a while

78. On reflection, hiring a professional party planner would have been a good idea

79. She's probably never worn tracksuit bottoms

80. She's the only monarch with a ferris wheel capsule named after her

81. We get a day off when she does stuff

82. She pretended to jump out of a plane at the Olympics opening ceremony

83. She'll write you a letter if you live long enough

84. She's probably never had a microwave meal

85. She could shut parliament down. If she wanted to.

86. She's probably shouted "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" as a joke when somebody made fun of her

87. She's done a lot for pastel coloured overcoat/hat combos

88. She probably couldn't name any of the members of Blazin' Squad

89. She's so far reigned for 23,451 days - which is about as long as the battery life of the Nokia 3310

90. Today is only her unofficial birthday, so it probably isn't all that big of a deal. Forget we mentioned it.

Our Oscars predictions

The Oscars. The night we all suddenly find out we have strong opinions about films we've never seen (or have any intention of seeing). The night the words 'glitz & glam' get used on social media more frequently than at any other time of year. Here are our predictions for what might happen on the day:

1.     It will be broadcast on television.

2.     Women will wear clothes that some people like and others don’t. Their opinions will be made known and this will lead to a further discussion.

3.     The third Oscar selfie will be taken and, coincidentally, it will be two thirds less amusing than it was the first time.

4.     97% of the winners will be humbled.

5.     One attendees’ outfit will be worth more than a family home in Dorset.

6.     The carpet will be referred to as red but, on screen, it’ll actually look closer to burgundy.  

7.     79% of winners wouldn’t have been able to do it without their fans and will be incredibly thankful for their support.

8.     Men will wear suits and no one will have anything further to say about them.

9.     45% of winners will hold their award in the air and say “wow”.

10. Everyone’s teeth will be a shade of white we didn’t think was achievable for human teeth.

11. One of the results will be mildly surprising and people will express their mild surprise on social media.

12. If you’re watching it with someone else they’ll say “I had a feeling that one would win it” despite what they said half an hour before.

13. Designer clothes that a famous person is wearing will sell out in ‘seconds’ during the ceremony.

14. Someone will sing at some point.

15. The host will divide opinion and different news outlets will have different takes on how offensive they actually were.

16. Leo will win the Oscar/won’t win the Oscar and Twitter will make a year’s worth of profits off the back of it.

17. Leo will win the Oscar/won’t win the Oscar and Buzzfeed will create a number of GIF based articles to replay the moment that he did/didn’t win the Oscar.

18. The camera will pan to a celebrity looking bored and they will quickly change their expression when they realise they’re being filmed.

19. 69% of winners “just didn’t expect this”.

20. The whole thing will go on for a bit too long. You might go to bed before the end or turn over to watch the news.

Concrete proof of a music industry conspiracy

The construction industry has been using music to subliminally advertise itself for years. 

It all started with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails back in the 80's and has been unstoppable ever since. Think about it – we've had songs about timbertitaniumwires and gold (diggers). Then you've got rooms without roofsceilings that can't hold us and houses that, if things go wrong, we should knock down. And is it a coincidence that there are whole genres of music called metal and garage? 

 

But maybe we're being paranoid. We're sure Katy Perry's new track 'Untreated Lumber' is really catchy.

A Londoner's commute on tube strike day

Londoners everywhere are being forced above ground, standing on stationary staircases hoping they'll move, scanning Oyster cards on bollards. 

A Londoner looks at a tree. "What is it?” he asks a stranger. The stranger, never having spoken to a human on his commute, runs away. 

The Londoner begins to walk. The air is fresh, the skies are clear and, to his left, two people are laughing. He has never felt so scared. 

Walking vigorously, he decides he needs a beverage. Something delicious and natural. Something fruit-based. "But what?" he thinks. 

The Londoner walks, clutching his inferior own label smoothie product. "This tastes odd", he thinks. "I did not make a wise decision here." 

He's not far from work now. He must cross the road. Not having a yellow line to guide him, he veers dangerously close to the edge. 

He sees a cyclist. "LOOK AT ME CYCLING WITH MY GIANT CYCLING LEGS," The Cyclist bellows. "WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE." 

"You don't need to shout," The Londoner tells The Cyclist. "you're right next to me". "I'M JUST VERY EXCITED. IT'S A BIG DAY FOR CYCLISTS." 

The Londoner, exhausted, stumbles into work. Brenda from HR is cowered in the corner. "Rail replacement bus service" she mumbles, wide-eyed. 

Shakily, he makes a coffee. Into the kitchenette strides The Cyclist. "GREAT COMMUTE TODAY," he bellows. "JUST LIKE EVERY DAY." The Londoner stirs his coffee, avoiding eye contact. 

"I JUST FEEL SORRY FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T CYCLE EVERY DAY," he bellows at the Londoner, who spills his coffee. 

The Londoner reaches his desk. Wanting to capture every detail, he opens his blog. "You wouldn't believe the morning I've had", he begins...

we don't understand it but we know we love it

 

 

All you need to know about this photo is that it's a dog called Oliver wearing two hand-drawn innocent smoothie labels as glasses, which were made by a lady called Louise. Now, just take it in. Savour it. Reflect on what it is you have seen. And then go about your day as normal.