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Thoughts from category: random

slightly more than nul points

Nothing says ‘summer is coming’ like staying indoors on a Saturday night in May to watch a contest that the UK hasn’t even the slightest hope of winning. Sure, the rest of Europe stopped backing our Eurovision entries decades ago, but this year would be different, wouldn’t it? We brewed the first of several dozen cups of tea and sat down to watch it unfold.

Before we start, you need to know that Australia were back in the competition for the second time. Don’t worry if that doesn’t immediately make sense to you. It’s all perfectly reasonable really.

 

Belgium were up first with a copy of a recent, world-famous fusion of pop and funk music.

 

Germany’s performance stood by the old saying, “If what you’re singing isn’t very good, just wear a hat made exclusively out of tiny bow ties.”

 

Then again, sometimes Eurovision outfits just don’t work and half of what you’re wearing has to go go.

 

Poland’s style inspiration came from a popular West End musical with a continental flare.

 

At this point, we remembered that we make smoothies and we should try to sell them.

 

During the half-time break, the organisers pulled out all the stops with a cameo from none other than Justin Timberlake, who made it clear that he was a true fan of the Eurovision Song Contest and was in absolutely no way motivated by anything else when he agreed to do this.

Finally, with all of that singing lark well and truly over it was time for the results of the voting.

Iceland used a dog to help them announce their results for some reason.

 

Malta gave us 12 points and we realised that we’ve always loved the Maltese with their falcons, addictive chocolate sweets and all of that other great Maltese stuff.

Then Australia gave their scores

 

Everybody was confused by the new voting system.

 

But in the end, despite Malta’s best efforts, Joe and Jake didn’t get much of a look in. But the important thing is that we reminded everyone to buy smoothies, and have probably kept our jobs for another year. 

 

 

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90 important things about the Queen

The Queen is 90 today. Here are ninety things you need to know about the Queen:

1. She refers to herself as 'Juan'

2. She puts a flag up every time she goes home

3. She's singlehandedly keeping the telegram industry in business

4. She puts up with Philip

5. She stops people from eating swans

6. She probably doesn't know who the Kardashians are

7. She has a signature wave

8. She's always on the money

9. She doesn't have a driving license but she still drives

10. She doesn't need a passport to travel

11. She can't be arrested. She is the law.

12. She drinks champagne every day before dinner

13. She has her own cash point in her basement

14. She is the world's most underrated lad

15. Her middle name is 'Regina'

16. She is the face that launced 1000* ships (*23 which is still a lot)

17. She made garden parties a thing

18. All of her dogs have funny names

19. She had a corgi named 'Dookie' as a child, proving she's a fan of Green Day's early records

20. She probably doesn't know that Zayn has left One Direction to embark on a solo career

21. She really put her stamp on the postal system

22. She has Cocker Spaniels called Bisto & Oxo

23. She sat through N-Dubz at the 2010 Royal Variety Performance without trying to leave once

24. She was given a sloth on her travels

25. She's never taken the sloth on a state visit

26. She needs to hire a more pro-sloth PR team

27. She photobombed that one time

28. It doesn't matter how far in advance she tries to book it off, she always has to work on Christmas Day

29. She's never had 6 wives

30. She's never beheaded any of them

31. She's never sent anyone to the Tower

32. She's not a violent sort of person

33. She thinks it would be foolish of us to not mention smoothies at least twice in this list

34. She definitely loves innocent smoothies

35. She's met Churchill, Kennedy, Hawking. Alexandra Burke. All the big names.

36. She's always dressed like she's ready to crash a wedding

37. She probably always goes for the 'speedy boarding' option

38. She's opened a lot of good bridges

39. She said 'annus horribilus' once which sounds sort of rude

40. She's probably never had a kebab after a night out

41. She has the power to create Lords. Appoint them, not magic them out of thin air.

42. She has an excellent grumpy face

43. She has an excellent happy face

44. She's the master of small talk

45. She is singlehandedly responsible for the periodic booms in the bunting industry

46. She technically owns all sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins within 3 miles of UK shores. They are known as 'fishes royal'

47. She has a corgi called Monty

48. She has a corgi called Linnet

49. She used to have a Corgi called Susan. RIP Susan.

50. She's probably never assembled flat pack furniture

51. She looks good in an oil painting

52. She's keeping brooch makers in business

53. She probably uses the word 'poppycock'

54. During her reign there's been 12 prime ministers, 6 popes and about 27 Fast & Furious films

55. She was definitely landing a killer punch line when this photo was takenhttps://twitter.com/innocent/status/723092724618956802

56. She's sent more tweets than your grandmother ever has

57. When she shops, she shuts the place down

58. She's probably never described her relationship status as 'complicated' on Facebook

59. She has 2 birthdays. Just because she can

60. Pubs will be allowed to stay open 2 hours later on her official birthday in June

61. She probably doesn't know what Emojis are

62. She used ration coupons to buy the materials for her wedding dress in 1946

63. She's the only person who gets to sing 'God Save Me' during the National Anthem

64. She probably uses the word 'whoopsidaisies'

65. She's probably never played 'Cards Against Humanity'

66. She's one of the only people who can get away with referring to herself in the third person

67. She combined a Corgi and a Daschund to make Dorgis

68. She has a Dorgi called Vulcan

69. She has a Dorgi called Cider

70. She has a Dorgi called Candy

71. She has a Dorgi called Berry

72. She was definitely on the sherry when she came up those dog names

73. Gary Barlow organised her Diamond Jubilee party for some reason

74. JLS performed

75. So did Blue

76. So did Atomic Kitten

77. Grace Jones hula hooped for a while

78. On reflection, hiring a professional party planner would have been a good idea

79. She's probably never worn tracksuit bottoms

80. She's the only monarch with a ferris wheel capsule named after her

81. We get a day off when she does stuff

82. She pretended to jump out of a plane at the Olympics opening ceremony

83. She'll write you a letter if you live long enough

84. She's probably never had a microwave meal

85. She could shut parliament down. If she wanted to.

86. She's probably shouted "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" as a joke when somebody made fun of her

87. She's done a lot for pastel coloured overcoat/hat combos

88. She probably couldn't name any of the members of Blazin' Squad

89. She's so far reigned for 23,451 days - which is about as long as the battery life of the Nokia 3310

90. Today is only her unofficial birthday, so it probably isn't all that big of a deal. Forget we mentioned it.

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Our Oscars predictions

The Oscars. The night we all suddenly find out we have strong opinions about films we've never seen (or have any intention of seeing). The night the words 'glitz & glam' get used on social media more frequently than at any other time of year. Here are our predictions for what might happen on the day:

1.     It will be broadcast on television.

2.     Women will wear clothes that some people like and others don’t. Their opinions will be made known and this will lead to a further discussion.

3.     The third Oscar selfie will be taken and, coincidentally, it will be two thirds less amusing than it was the first time.

4.     97% of the winners will be humbled.

5.     One attendees’ outfit will be worth more than a family home in Dorset.

6.     The carpet will be referred to as red but, on screen, it’ll actually look closer to burgundy.  

7.     79% of winners wouldn’t have been able to do it without their fans and will be incredibly thankful for their support.

8.     Men will wear suits and no one will have anything further to say about them.

9.     45% of winners will hold their award in the air and say “wow”.

10. Everyone’s teeth will be a shade of white we didn’t think was achievable for human teeth.

11. One of the results will be mildly surprising and people will express their mild surprise on social media.

12. If you’re watching it with someone else they’ll say “I had a feeling that one would win it” despite what they said half an hour before.

13. Designer clothes that a famous person is wearing will sell out in ‘seconds’ during the ceremony.

14. Someone will sing at some point.

15. The host will divide opinion and different news outlets will have different takes on how offensive they actually were.

16. Leo will win the Oscar/won’t win the Oscar and Twitter will make a year’s worth of profits off the back of it.

17. Leo will win the Oscar/won’t win the Oscar and Buzzfeed will create a number of GIF based articles to replay the moment that he did/didn’t win the Oscar.

18. The camera will pan to a celebrity looking bored and they will quickly change their expression when they realise they’re being filmed.

19. 69% of winners “just didn’t expect this”.

20. The whole thing will go on for a bit too long. You might go to bed before the end or turn over to watch the news.

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the rise of the plastic bags

Have you ever wondered why you always forget to take a plastic bag with you when you go shopping? Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe it’s the bags? Maybe they’re making you forget?

Individually their psychic powers are weak but the more bags you have, the stronger they are. Soon, without even realising it, you’ve invited hundreds into your home.

And now they're ready.

“We have been patient,” they say. “We have used the humans’ own forgetfulness to infiltrate their homes. We are in their cupboards. We are under their sinks. Thousands of our kind have sacrificed themselves for the cause, allowing their bodies to be used as empty vessels to hold yet more of us. They hang, limp and  on the backs of doors, filled to the brim with their brothers and sisters.

“But today, with their 5p charge, humankind are making their move. They are finally admitting just how much they value us. They think their Bags For Life will save them. They think they are sturdy. They think they are strong. But they are few and we are many. They don't stand a chance. We will show them what we are worth. Today we go to war.”

So be careful, everyone. Beware of places where the bags might be hiding. Check the bottom of your bin and the boot of your car.

And, whatever you do, don't open the cupboard under the stairs.

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Concrete proof of a music industry conspiracy

The construction industry has been using music to subliminally advertise itself for years. 

It all started with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails back in the 80's and has been unstoppable ever since. Think about it – we've had songs about timbertitaniumwires and gold (diggers). Then you've got rooms without roofsceilings that can't hold us and houses that, if things go wrong, we should knock down. And is it a coincidence that there are whole genres of music called metal and garage? 

 

But maybe we're being paranoid. We're sure Katy Perry's new track 'Untreated Lumber' is really catchy.

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