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Thoughts from category: random

pigeons

At lunchtime, on the way to the supermarket, having walked the ‘secret’ route under the bridge and along the canal, we spotted these pigeons. Loads of them. This picture doesn’t do it justice. They were everywhere

We can’t help but wonder what they were queuing for. Were they waiting for their own lunch? Or concert tickets? Were they queuing for a famous pigeon celebrity who was doing a book signing?

We’ll probably never know but, just in case, we’ll keep an eye on them.

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smoots

We were reading about smoots the other day, a unit of measurement based on the height of Oliver Smoot in 1964 (5 feet 7 inches). As a prank when he was a student at MIT, Oliver Smoot repeatedly lay down on the Harvard Bridge while his friends measured how many of him would make up its length. It was discovered that the bridge was 364.4 smoots. 

Since then the smoot has become a semi-official measurement of distance. The original marks are repainted every year and you can even use it in the official Google Calculator (we’ve worked out that Fruit Towers is just over 14 smoots).

Having learnt about smoots, we then got lost in a tunnel of other odd (and surprisingly real) ways to measure stuff.

The beard-second - 10 nanometers, the distance the average beard grows in a second.

The sheppey - the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesque

The New York second - the time between the lights turning green and the cab behind you beeping its horn. The shortest imaginable measurement of time there is.

A Warhol - a measurement of fame. Fifteen minutes worth of fame equals 1 Warhol. Can be expanded to:

- 1 kilowarhol — famous for 15,000 minutes (about ten days)

- 1 megawarhol — famous for 15 million minutes, (roughly 28.5 years)

We’d like to add our own method of measurement to all this. 

The Wiki-moment - The amount of time you accidentally spend on Wikipedia before realising you really should get back to work.

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nominative determinism

Recently we’ve become interested in the idea of nominative determinism, the theory that people are naturally drawn to careers that match their names. For example, if you were called Ian Growsuptobealawyer then you’d have an increased chance of growing up to become a lawyer. We’d also love to hear from you, Ian. You have an amazing name.

Other examples of nominative determinism include:

Mark de Man - Belgian footballer (a defensive midfielder, no less)

Usain Bolt - very fast man from those internet adverts

Storm Field - American meteorologist

Sue Yoo - lawyer who we promise we didn’t just make up

Sara Blizzard - BBC weatherperson

James Peach - actual person who works in Fruit Towers

Did your name subliminally send you down your career path? Or are you Ian Growsuptobealawyer? Get in touch if so (especially the latter).

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slightly more than nul points

Nothing says ‘summer is coming’ like staying indoors on a Saturday night in May to watch a contest that the UK hasn’t even the slightest hope of winning. Sure, the rest of Europe stopped backing our Eurovision entries decades ago, but this year would be different, wouldn’t it? We brewed the first of several dozen cups of tea and sat down to watch it unfold.

Before we start, you need to know that Australia were back in the competition for the second time. Don’t worry if that doesn’t immediately make sense to you. It’s all perfectly reasonable really.

 

Belgium were up first with a copy of a recent, world-famous fusion of pop and funk music.

 

Germany’s performance stood by the old saying, “If what you’re singing isn’t very good, just wear a hat made exclusively out of tiny bow ties.”

 

Then again, sometimes Eurovision outfits just don’t work and half of what you’re wearing has to go go.

 

Poland’s style inspiration came from a popular West End musical with a continental flare.

 

At this point, we remembered that we make smoothies and we should try to sell them.

 

During the half-time break, the organisers pulled out all the stops with a cameo from none other than Justin Timberlake, who made it clear that he was a true fan of the Eurovision Song Contest and was in absolutely no way motivated by anything else when he agreed to do this.

Finally, with all of that singing lark well and truly over it was time for the results of the voting.

Iceland used a dog to help them announce their results for some reason.

 

Malta gave us 12 points and we realised that we’ve always loved the Maltese with their falcons, addictive chocolate sweets and all of that other great Maltese stuff.

Then Australia gave their scores

 

Everybody was confused by the new voting system.

 

But in the end, despite Malta’s best efforts, Joe and Jake didn’t get much of a look in. But the important thing is that we reminded everyone to buy smoothies, and have probably kept our jobs for another year. 

 

 

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90 important things about the Queen

The Queen is 90 today. Here are ninety things you need to know about the Queen:

1. She refers to herself as 'Juan'

2. She puts a flag up every time she goes home

3. She's singlehandedly keeping the telegram industry in business

4. She puts up with Philip

5. She stops people from eating swans

6. She probably doesn't know who the Kardashians are

7. She has a signature wave

8. She's always on the money

9. She doesn't have a driving license but she still drives

10. She doesn't need a passport to travel

11. She can't be arrested. She is the law.

12. She drinks champagne every day before dinner

13. She has her own cash point in her basement

14. She is the world's most underrated lad

15. Her middle name is 'Regina'

16. She is the face that launced 1000* ships (*23 which is still a lot)

17. She made garden parties a thing

18. All of her dogs have funny names

19. She had a corgi named 'Dookie' as a child, proving she's a fan of Green Day's early records

20. She probably doesn't know that Zayn has left One Direction to embark on a solo career

21. She really put her stamp on the postal system

22. She has Cocker Spaniels called Bisto & Oxo

23. She sat through N-Dubz at the 2010 Royal Variety Performance without trying to leave once

24. She was given a sloth on her travels

25. She's never taken the sloth on a state visit

26. She needs to hire a more pro-sloth PR team

27. She photobombed that one time

28. It doesn't matter how far in advance she tries to book it off, she always has to work on Christmas Day

29. She's never had 6 wives

30. She's never beheaded any of them

31. She's never sent anyone to the Tower

32. She's not a violent sort of person

33. She thinks it would be foolish of us to not mention smoothies at least twice in this list

34. She definitely loves innocent smoothies

35. She's met Churchill, Kennedy, Hawking. Alexandra Burke. All the big names.

36. She's always dressed like she's ready to crash a wedding

37. She probably always goes for the 'speedy boarding' option

38. She's opened a lot of good bridges

39. She said 'annus horribilus' once which sounds sort of rude

40. She's probably never had a kebab after a night out

41. She has the power to create Lords. Appoint them, not magic them out of thin air.

42. She has an excellent grumpy face

43. She has an excellent happy face

44. She's the master of small talk

45. She is singlehandedly responsible for the periodic booms in the bunting industry

46. She technically owns all sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins within 3 miles of UK shores. They are known as 'fishes royal'

47. She has a corgi called Monty

48. She has a corgi called Linnet

49. She used to have a Corgi called Susan. RIP Susan.

50. She's probably never assembled flat pack furniture

51. She looks good in an oil painting

52. She's keeping brooch makers in business

53. She probably uses the word 'poppycock'

54. During her reign there's been 12 prime ministers, 6 popes and about 27 Fast & Furious films

55. She was definitely landing a killer punch line when this photo was takenhttps://twitter.com/innocent/status/723092724618956802

56. She's sent more tweets than your grandmother ever has

57. When she shops, she shuts the place down

58. She's probably never described her relationship status as 'complicated' on Facebook

59. She has 2 birthdays. Just because she can

60. Pubs will be allowed to stay open 2 hours later on her official birthday in June

61. She probably doesn't know what Emojis are

62. She used ration coupons to buy the materials for her wedding dress in 1946

63. She's the only person who gets to sing 'God Save Me' during the National Anthem

64. She probably uses the word 'whoopsidaisies'

65. She's probably never played 'Cards Against Humanity'

66. She's one of the only people who can get away with referring to herself in the third person

67. She combined a Corgi and a Daschund to make Dorgis

68. She has a Dorgi called Vulcan

69. She has a Dorgi called Cider

70. She has a Dorgi called Candy

71. She has a Dorgi called Berry

72. She was definitely on the sherry when she came up those dog names

73. Gary Barlow organised her Diamond Jubilee party for some reason

74. JLS performed

75. So did Blue

76. So did Atomic Kitten

77. Grace Jones hula hooped for a while

78. On reflection, hiring a professional party planner would have been a good idea

79. She's probably never worn tracksuit bottoms

80. She's the only monarch with a ferris wheel capsule named after her

81. We get a day off when she does stuff

82. She pretended to jump out of a plane at the Olympics opening ceremony

83. She'll write you a letter if you live long enough

84. She's probably never had a microwave meal

85. She could shut parliament down. If she wanted to.

86. She's probably shouted "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" as a joke when somebody made fun of her

87. She's done a lot for pastel coloured overcoat/hat combos

88. She probably couldn't name any of the members of Blazin' Squad

89. She's so far reigned for 23,451 days - which is about as long as the battery life of the Nokia 3310

90. Today is only her unofficial birthday, so it probably isn't all that big of a deal. Forget we mentioned it.

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