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90 important things about the Queen

The Queen is 90 today. Here are ninety things you need to know about the Queen:

1. She refers to herself as 'Juan'

2. She puts a flag up every time she goes home

3. She's singlehandedly keeping the telegram industry in business

4. She puts up with Philip

5. She stops people from eating swans

6. She probably doesn't know who the Kardashians are

7. She has a signature wave

8. She's always on the money

9. She doesn't have a driving license but she still drives

10. She doesn't need a passport to travel

11. She can't be arrested. She is the law.

12. She drinks champagne every day before dinner

13. She has her own cash point in her basement

14. She is the world's most underrated lad

15. Her middle name is 'Regina'

16. She is the face that launced 1000* ships (*23 which is still a lot)

17. She made garden parties a thing

18. All of her dogs have funny names

19. She had a corgi named 'Dookie' as a child, proving she's a fan of Green Day's early records

20. She probably doesn't know that Zayn has left One Direction to embark on a solo career

21. She really put her stamp on the postal system

22. She has Cocker Spaniels called Bisto & Oxo

23. She sat through N-Dubz at the 2010 Royal Variety Performance without trying to leave once

24. She was given a sloth on her travels

25. She's never taken the sloth on a state visit

26. She needs to hire a more pro-sloth PR team

27. She photobombed that one time

28. It doesn't matter how far in advance she tries to book it off, she always has to work on Christmas Day

29. She's never had 6 wives

30. She's never beheaded any of them

31. She's never sent anyone to the Tower

32. She's not a violent sort of person

33. She thinks it would be foolish of us to not mention smoothies at least twice in this list

34. She definitely loves innocent smoothies

35. She's met Churchill, Kennedy, Hawking. Alexandra Burke. All the big names.

36. She's always dressed like she's ready to crash a wedding

37. She probably always goes for the 'speedy boarding' option

38. She's opened a lot of good bridges

39. She said 'annus horribilus' once which sounds sort of rude

40. She's probably never had a kebab after a night out

41. She has the power to create Lords. Appoint them, not magic them out of thin air.

42. She has an excellent grumpy face

43. She has an excellent happy face

44. She's the master of small talk

45. She is singlehandedly responsible for the periodic booms in the bunting industry

46. She technically owns all sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins within 3 miles of UK shores. They are known as 'fishes royal'

47. She has a corgi called Monty

48. She has a corgi called Linnet

49. She used to have a Corgi called Susan. RIP Susan.

50. She's probably never assembled flat pack furniture

51. She looks good in an oil painting

52. She's keeping brooch makers in business

53. She probably uses the word 'poppycock'

54. During her reign there's been 12 prime ministers, 6 popes and about 27 Fast & Furious films

55. She was definitely landing a killer punch line when this photo was takenhttps://twitter.com/innocent/status/723092724618956802

56. She's sent more tweets than your grandmother ever has

57. When she shops, she shuts the place down

58. She's probably never described her relationship status as 'complicated' on Facebook

59. She has 2 birthdays. Just because she can

60. Pubs will be allowed to stay open 2 hours later on her official birthday in June

61. She probably doesn't know what Emojis are

62. She used ration coupons to buy the materials for her wedding dress in 1946

63. She's the only person who gets to sing 'God Save Me' during the National Anthem

64. She probably uses the word 'whoopsidaisies'

65. She's probably never played 'Cards Against Humanity'

66. She's one of the only people who can get away with referring to herself in the third person

67. She combined a Corgi and a Daschund to make Dorgis

68. She has a Dorgi called Vulcan

69. She has a Dorgi called Cider

70. She has a Dorgi called Candy

71. She has a Dorgi called Berry

72. She was definitely on the sherry when she came up those dog names

73. Gary Barlow organised her Diamond Jubilee party for some reason

74. JLS performed

75. So did Blue

76. So did Atomic Kitten

77. Grace Jones hula hooped for a while

78. On reflection, hiring a professional party planner would have been a good idea

79. She's probably never worn tracksuit bottoms

80. She's the only monarch with a ferris wheel capsule named after her

81. We get a day off when she does stuff

82. She pretended to jump out of a plane at the Olympics opening ceremony

83. She'll write you a letter if you live long enough

84. She's probably never had a microwave meal

85. She could shut parliament down. If she wanted to.

86. She's probably shouted "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" as a joke when somebody made fun of her

87. She's done a lot for pastel coloured overcoat/hat combos

88. She probably couldn't name any of the members of Blazin' Squad

89. She's so far reigned for 23,451 days - which is about as long as the battery life of the Nokia 3310

90. Today is only her unofficial birthday, so it probably isn't all that big of a deal. Forget we mentioned it.

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Our Oscars predictions

The Oscars. The night we all suddenly find out we have strong opinions about films we've never seen (or have any intention of seeing). The night the words 'glitz & glam' get used on social media more frequently than at any other time of year. Here are our predictions for what might happen on the day:

1.     It will be broadcast on television.

2.     Women will wear clothes that some people like and others don’t. Their opinions will be made known and this will lead to a further discussion.

3.     The third Oscar selfie will be taken and, coincidentally, it will be two thirds less amusing than it was the first time.

4.     97% of the winners will be humbled.

5.     One attendees’ outfit will be worth more than a family home in Dorset.

6.     The carpet will be referred to as red but, on screen, it’ll actually look closer to burgundy.  

7.     79% of winners wouldn’t have been able to do it without their fans and will be incredibly thankful for their support.

8.     Men will wear suits and no one will have anything further to say about them.

9.     45% of winners will hold their award in the air and say “wow”.

10. Everyone’s teeth will be a shade of white we didn’t think was achievable for human teeth.

11. One of the results will be mildly surprising and people will express their mild surprise on social media.

12. If you’re watching it with someone else they’ll say “I had a feeling that one would win it” despite what they said half an hour before.

13. Designer clothes that a famous person is wearing will sell out in ‘seconds’ during the ceremony.

14. Someone will sing at some point.

15. The host will divide opinion and different news outlets will have different takes on how offensive they actually were.

16. Leo will win the Oscar/won’t win the Oscar and Twitter will make a year’s worth of profits off the back of it.

17. Leo will win the Oscar/won’t win the Oscar and Buzzfeed will create a number of GIF based articles to replay the moment that he did/didn’t win the Oscar.

18. The camera will pan to a celebrity looking bored and they will quickly change their expression when they realise they’re being filmed.

19. 69% of winners “just didn’t expect this”.

20. The whole thing will go on for a bit too long. You might go to bed before the end or turn over to watch the news.

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the rise of the plastic bags

Have you ever wondered why you always forget to take a plastic bag with you when you go shopping? Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe it’s the bags? Maybe they’re making you forget?

Individually their psychic powers are weak but the more bags you have, the stronger they are. Soon, without even realising it, you’ve invited hundreds into your home.

And now they're ready.

“We have been patient,” they say. “We have used the humans’ own forgetfulness to infiltrate their homes. We are in their cupboards. We are under their sinks. Thousands of our kind have sacrificed themselves for the cause, allowing their bodies to be used as empty vessels to hold yet more of us. They hang, limp and  on the backs of doors, filled to the brim with their brothers and sisters.

“But today, with their 5p charge, humankind are making their move. They are finally admitting just how much they value us. They think their Bags For Life will save them. They think they are sturdy. They think they are strong. But they are few and we are many. They don't stand a chance. We will show them what we are worth. Today we go to war.”

So be careful, everyone. Beware of places where the bags might be hiding. Check the bottom of your bin and the boot of your car.

And, whatever you do, don't open the cupboard under the stairs.

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Concrete proof of a music industry conspiracy

The construction industry has been using music to subliminally advertise itself for years. 

It all started with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails back in the 80's and has been unstoppable ever since. Think about it – we've had songs about timbertitaniumwires and gold (diggers). Then you've got rooms without roofsceilings that can't hold us and houses that, if things go wrong, we should knock down. And is it a coincidence that there are whole genres of music called metal and garage? 

 

But maybe we're being paranoid. We're sure Katy Perry's new track 'Untreated Lumber' is really catchy.

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Jay-Z's 99 problems

Jay-Zs 99 problems

Jay-Z's a man with a lot of problems. We all know the thing that isn't one of them, but he's never explicitly stated what the things were that were causing him so much grief. But not to worry, we know Jay (Sean) pretty well and have recorded them all here in a comprehensive list:

  1. Getting soufflé to rise 
  2. Finding a reliable plumber 
  3. Getting the smell of oranges off his hands
  4. Transitioning to internet banking
  5. When to use 'affect' and 'effect'
  6. Long division
  7. Not understanding 3D printing
  8. Global warming 
  9. Gluten intolerance 
  10. Parallel parking 
  11. Poaching eggs 
  12. Remembering that Sydney isn't the capital of Australia 
  13. The plight of the red squirrel 
  14. Unexpected rainfall 
  15. Kanye 
  16. Eczema  
  17. The rising cost of stamps  
  18. Seeded grapes  
  19. Bedroom tax 
  20. The pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre 
  21. Trying not to snack between meals 
  22. Not being able to find the end of the sellotape 
  23. Finding half sizes for shoes 
  24. Understanding the economic implications of Greece's possible exit from the Euro  
  25. Hiccups 
  26. Intermediate Sudoku  
  27. Whether to make the switch from DVD to Blu-ray 
  28. Unexpected item in the bagging area 
  29. The objectification of women in mainstream media 
  30. Fluffy apples 
  31. Pins and needles 
  32. Wanting to order a cocktail but being embarrassed by its gratuitously sexual name 
  33. Underripe avocados  
  34. Overripe avocados  
  35. His obsession with perfectly ripe avocados 
  36. Feeling sleepy after lunch  
  37. When to use the Oxford comma  
  38. Daddy longlegs 
  39. Really wanting a dog but knowing that his current lifestyle isn’t compatible with dog ownership 
  40. Shin splints 
  41. Rail replacement bus services  
  42. The meaning of life 
  43. Not enjoying eating yoghurt as much as the women in the adverts 
  44. The hole in the ozone layer 
  45. Not being able to trust contactless card payments 
  46. Fixed versus variable rate mortgages  
  47. Is H ‘ayche’ or ‘hayche’?  
  48. The Milton Keynes grid system 
  49. Recurring nightmare where he is late for an important business meeting
  50. Realising, once he started writing them all down in list form, just how many problems he has. 
  51. Flying ants  
  52. The western world’s over-reliance on fossil fuels 
  53. Crumbs in the bed  
  54. Only remembering the names of 4 of Henry VIII's wives 
  55. Solange 
  56. Ladle - bowl on a stick, or just a big spoon?
  57. Needing the loo in the middle of the night  
  58. The declining bee population  
  59. Two day hangovers 
  60. Wondering how, considering he was the strongest vocalist, One Direction will cope without Zayn in the long run. 
  61. Washing his trousers before realising there was a tissue in the pocket  
  62. Stress-induced twitchy eye 
  63. Not enjoying 'Breaking Bad' as much as everyone else 
  64. Missed calls from unknown numbers  
  65. Burnt toast 
  66. Being endorsed for skills he doesn't really have by people he doesn't really know on LinkedIn 
  67. Still wanting to call Emojis emoticons 
  68. Foot cramp 
  69. People making immature jokes about the number 
  70. Accidentally 'replying all' 
  71. Never knowing how much water to cook rice with  
  72. Mosquitoes at dusk 
  73. Meaning to buy tuna in spring water but accidentally buying it in brine  
  74. Finding a Natwest card reader 
  75. People who respond ‘maybe’ to Facebook event invites 
  76. All of the new Star Wars films  
  77. Tickly cough 
  78. Secretly needing stabilisers on his bike  
  79. The increasing gap between rich and poor 
  80. Clammy hands 
  81. People putting milk back in the fridge when there's only a tiny bit left  
  82. Male pattern baldness 
  83. Whether it makes fiscal sense to buy an annual travelcard  
  84. Opening the dishwasher before it's done 
  85. Insufficient legroom at the theatre 
  86. Sunday traffic  
  87. Feeling quite indifferent to Marmite  
  88. Having to split the bill evenly after a group meal despite only drinking water and Nigel having four Daiquiris 
  89. How to pronounce ‘scone’  
  90. Worrying that he doesn’t suit hats 
  91. The Edinburgh tram debacle 
  92. Having the door held open for him from some distance away, so he’s forced into an awkward sort of jog walk  
  93. Ambiguous toilet door signs in restaurants 
  94. Understanding the politics of the Middle East 
  95. Sinusitis 
  96. At the end of Lady and The Tramp, 3 of their puppies look like Lady, and 1 looks like Tramp. But in real life, they’d be cross-breeds 
  97. Going for a jog and getting a stitch 
  98. Recording a song and struggling to hit the perfect pitch 
  99. Wanting to start collecting antique garden gnomes, but worrying that they might be too kitsch

 He's a complex fella, no doubt about that. Hope you feel better soon, big guy.

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