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Thoughts from category: random

Jay Z's 99 problems

Jay Z's a man with a lot of problems. We all know the thing that isn't one of them, but he's never explicitly stated what the things were that were causing him so much grief. But not to worry, we know Jay (Sean) pretty well and have recorded them all here in a comprehensive list:

  1. Getting soufflé to rise 
  2. Finding a reliable plumber 
  3. Getting the smell of oranges off his hands
  4. Transitioning to internet banking
  5. When to use 'affect' and 'effect'
  6. Long division
  7. Not understanding 3D printing
  8. Global warming 
  9. Gluten intolerance 
  10. Parallel parking 
  11. Poaching eggs 
  12. Remembering that Sydney isn't the capital of Australia 
  13. The plight of the red squirrel 
  14. Unexpected rainfall 
  15. Kanye 
  16. Eczema  
  17. The rising cost of stamps  
  18. Seeded grapes  
  19. Bedroom tax 
  20. The pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre 
  21. Trying not to snack between meals 
  22. Not being able to find the end of the sellotape 
  23. Finding half sizes for shoes 
  24. Understanding the economic implications of Greece's possible exit from the Euro  
  25. Hiccups 
  26. Intermediate Sudoku  
  27. Whether to make the switch from DVD to Blu-ray 
  28. Unexpected item in the bagging area 
  29. The objectification of women in mainstream media 
  30. Fluffy apples 
  31. Pins and needles 
  32. Wanting to order a cocktail but being embarrassed by its gratuitously sexual name 
  33. Underripe avocados  
  34. Overripe avocados  
  35. His obsession with perfectly ripe avocados 
  36. Feeling sleepy after lunch  
  37. When to use the Oxford comma  
  38. Daddy longlegs 
  39. Really wanting a dog but knowing that his current lifestyle isn’t compatible with dog ownership 
  40. Shin splints 
  41. Rail replacement bus services  
  42. The meaning of life 
  43. Not enjoying eating yoghurt as much as the women in the adverts 
  44. The hole in the ozone layer 
  45. Not being able to trust contactless card payments 
  46. Fixed versus variable rate mortgages  
  47. Is H ‘ayche’ or ‘hayche’?  
  48. The Milton Keynes grid system 
  49. Recurring nightmare where he is late for an important business meeting
  50. Realising, once he started writing them all down in list form, just how many problems he has. 
  51. Flying ants  
  52. The western world’s over-reliance on fossil fuels 
  53. Crumbs in the bed  
  54. Only remembering the names of 4 of Henry VIII's wives 
  55. Solange 
  56. Ladle - bowl on a stick, or just a big spoon?
  57. Needing the loo in the middle of the night  
  58. The declining bee population  
  59. Two day hangovers 
  60. Wondering how, considering he was the strongest vocalist, One Direction will cope without Zayn in the long run. 
  61. Washing his trousers before realising there was a tissue in the pocket  
  62. Stress-induced twitchy eye 
  63. Not enjoying 'Breaking Bad' as much as everyone else 
  64. Missed calls from unknown numbers  
  65. Burnt toast 
  66. Being endorsed for skills he doesn't really have by people he doesn't really know on LinkedIn 
  67. Still wanting to call Emojis emoticons 
  68. Foot cramp 
  69. People making immature jokes about the number 
  70. Accidentally 'replying all' 
  71. Never knowing how much water to cook rice with  
  72. Mosquitoes at dusk 
  73. Meaning to buy tuna in spring water but accidentally buying it in brine  
  74. Finding a Natwest card reader 
  75. People who respond ‘maybe’ to Facebook event invites 
  76. All of the new Star Wars films  
  77. Tickly cough 
  78. Secretly needing stabilisers on his bike  
  79. The increasing gap between rich and poor 
  80. Clammy hands 
  81. People putting milk back in the fridge when there's only a tiny bit left  
  82. Male pattern baldness 
  83. Whether it makes fiscal sense to buy an annual travelcard  
  84. Opening the dishwasher before it's done 
  85. Insufficient legroom at the theatre 
  86. Sunday traffic  
  87. Feeling quite indifferent to Marmite  
  88. Having to split the bill evenly after a group meal despite only drinking water and Nigel having four Daiquiris 
  89. How to pronounce ‘scone’  
  90. Worrying that he doesn’t suit hats 
  91. The Edinburgh tram debacle 
  92. Having the door held open for him from some distance away, so he’s forced into an awkward sort of jog walk  
  93. Ambiguous toilet door signs in restaurants 
  94. Understanding the politics of the Middle East 
  95. Sinusitis 
  96. At the end of Lady and The Tramp, 3 of their puppies look like Lady, and 1 looks like Tramp. But in real life, they’d be cross-breeds 
  97. Going for a jog and getting a stitch 
  98. Recording a song and struggling to hit the perfect pitch 
  99. Wanting to start collecting antique garden gnomes, but worrying that they might be too kitsch

 He's a complex fella, no doubt about that. Hope you feel better soon, big guy.

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Exploding ant genitals

 So, this is a thing we talked about in our company newsletter this week:

If you fancy getting our newsletter/insect genital update every Friday, you can sign up for it here. We even talk about smoothies sometimes. In fact it's probably 67% smoothies, 33% genitals. We like those odds.

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we don't understand it but we know we love it

 

 

All you need to know about this photo is that it's a dog called Oliver wearing two hand-drawn innocent smoothie labels as glasses, which were made by a lady called Louise. Now, just take it in. Savour it. Reflect on what it is you have seen. And then go about your day as normal.

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Mr and Mrs Crow

 

Mr and Mrs Crow are about to be parents. They're nervously waiting for three brand new baby birds to hatch from the eggs Mrs Crow laid a few weeks before. While they wait, they are handed an innocent smoothie. They love it, because "birds love innocent, and so does everyone". This is the new advert idea that Samuel Wiffin pitched to us in the form of an amazing illustration this week. 

Move aside Badrul – it's Mr and Mrs Crow's time to shine.

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British summer bingo

It's April. The sun is out. It's pretty hot. This is the happiest the British public have been since Wispa's made a comeback. If you've been out and about in the last few days you're almost guaranteed to have experienced at least one of the following:

 

Extra points for sighting one of the lesser-spotted British summer scenes such as a young boy vaulting his garden gate to get to the ice cream van, a group of smartly dressed young professionals drunk on a canal boat or someone who's fallen asleep in the sun under a tree and developed a very unusual sun burn pattern.

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