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90 important things about the Queen

The Queen is 90 today. Here are ninety things you need to know about the Queen:

1. She refers to herself as 'Juan'

2. She puts a flag up every time she goes home

3. She's singlehandedly keeping the telegram industry in business

4. She puts up with Philip

5. She stops people from eating swans

6. She probably doesn't know who the Kardashians are

7. She has a signature wave

8. She's always on the money

9. She doesn't have a driving license but she still drives

10. She doesn't need a passport to travel

11. She can't be arrested. She is the law.

12. She drinks champagne every day before dinner

13. She has her own cash point in her basement

14. She is the world's most underrated lad

15. Her middle name is 'Regina'

16. She is the face that launced 1000* ships (*23 which is still a lot)

17. She made garden parties a thing

18. All of her dogs have funny names

19. She had a corgi named 'Dookie' as a child, proving she's a fan of Green Day's early records

20. She probably doesn't know that Zayn has left One Direction to embark on a solo career

21. She really put her stamp on the postal system

22. She has Cocker Spaniels called Bisto & Oxo

23. She sat through N-Dubz at the 2010 Royal Variety Performance without trying to leave once

24. She was given a sloth on her travels

25. She's never taken the sloth on a state visit

26. She needs to hire a more pro-sloth PR team

27. She photobombed that one time

28. It doesn't matter how far in advance she tries to book it off, she always has to work on Christmas Day

29. She's never had 6 wives

30. She's never beheaded any of them

31. She's never sent anyone to the Tower

32. She's not a violent sort of person

33. She thinks it would be foolish of us to not mention smoothies at least twice in this list

34. She definitely loves innocent smoothies

35. She's met Churchill, Kennedy, Hawking. Alexandra Burke. All the big names.

36. She's always dressed like she's ready to crash a wedding

37. She probably always goes for the 'speedy boarding' option

38. She's opened a lot of good bridges

39. She said 'annus horribilus' once which sounds sort of rude

40. She's probably never had a kebab after a night out

41. She has the power to create Lords. Appoint them, not magic them out of thin air.

42. She has an excellent grumpy face

43. She has an excellent happy face

44. She's the master of small talk

45. She is singlehandedly responsible for the periodic booms in the bunting industry

46. She technically owns all sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins within 3 miles of UK shores. They are known as 'fishes royal'

47. She has a corgi called Monty

48. She has a corgi called Linnet

49. She used to have a Corgi called Susan. RIP Susan.

50. She's probably never assembled flat pack furniture

51. She looks good in an oil painting

52. She's keeping brooch makers in business

53. She probably uses the word 'poppycock'

54. During her reign there's been 12 prime ministers, 6 popes and about 27 Fast & Furious films

55. She was definitely landing a killer punch line when this photo was takenhttps://twitter.com/innocent/status/723092724618956802

56. She's sent more tweets than your grandmother ever has

57. When she shops, she shuts the place down

58. She's probably never described her relationship status as 'complicated' on Facebook

59. She has 2 birthdays. Just because she can

60. Pubs will be allowed to stay open 2 hours later on her official birthday in June

61. She probably doesn't know what Emojis are

62. She used ration coupons to buy the materials for her wedding dress in 1946

63. She's the only person who gets to sing 'God Save Me' during the National Anthem

64. She probably uses the word 'whoopsidaisies'

65. She's probably never played 'Cards Against Humanity'

66. She's one of the only people who can get away with referring to herself in the third person

67. She combined a Corgi and a Daschund to make Dorgis

68. She has a Dorgi called Vulcan

69. She has a Dorgi called Cider

70. She has a Dorgi called Candy

71. She has a Dorgi called Berry

72. She was definitely on the sherry when she came up those dog names

73. Gary Barlow organised her Diamond Jubilee party for some reason

74. JLS performed

75. So did Blue

76. So did Atomic Kitten

77. Grace Jones hula hooped for a while

78. On reflection, hiring a professional party planner would have been a good idea

79. She's probably never worn tracksuit bottoms

80. She's the only monarch with a ferris wheel capsule named after her

81. We get a day off when she does stuff

82. She pretended to jump out of a plane at the Olympics opening ceremony

83. She'll write you a letter if you live long enough

84. She's probably never had a microwave meal

85. She could shut parliament down. If she wanted to.

86. She's probably shouted "OFF WITH HIS HEAD" as a joke when somebody made fun of her

87. She's done a lot for pastel coloured overcoat/hat combos

88. She probably couldn't name any of the members of Blazin' Squad

89. She's so far reigned for 23,451 days - which is about as long as the battery life of the Nokia 3310

90. Today is only her unofficial birthday, so it probably isn't all that big of a deal. Forget we mentioned it.