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Thoughts from February 2015

We all make mistakes

Guys, we're not perfect. Sometimes we make mistakes. Hard to believe, we know, but every now and again, when the blue moon is in the sky, it can happen.

This week we received a complaint from Frankie who found half an uncrushed banana in her smoothie. This has never happened before and all we can think is that our blender was playing up or a rogue chimpanzee passed through who couldn't find the compost bin. 

 

We're still a bit confused as to how the other half found its way onto Frankie's desk (strange, that) but we're very sorry and will make sure it never happens again.

10 things you should definitely give up for Lent

Social media, chocolate and swearing. Sounds like a great night in to us, but these were actually the most common things that people gave up for Lent last year. If you are one of the many people who has pledged to cease the tweets, swear off the profiteroles or swear off swearing altogether then very good luck to you (we'll try not to scroll through Facebook while eating a Crunchie and cursing profusely if you're in the vicinity). However, if you'd like to try ditching something that will be really difficult, then try giving up one of the following:

  1. Using emojis and/or sarcasm to avoid talking about your feelings.
  2. Lying on your C.V. Has 'The Apprentice' taught us nothing?
  3. Cleaning your computer screen. You know that dust will be back tomorrow. And it will be worse.
  4. Putting clothes on animals. They don't like it. 
  5. Talking about 'Fifty Shades of Grey' to your work colleagues. Bit awkward.
  6. Using Comic Sans. Even if you're a teacher. No excuse.
  7. Pronouncing Dubai 'Doo-bye'. It's Doo-bay.
  8. Forgetting about the moon. It hasn't been in the news lately but it's still up there.
  9. Forgetting to water your plants
  10. White bread. Filthy habit.

We've actually given up pictures and video for Lent this year so our words are going to do all the talking. Phlanx. There's an unusual word for you. Not even sure it's a real one, actually. Hmm. How long is Lent again?

Valentine's Card messages

 

Writing a message in a Valentine's card can be a tricky business - is it too soon to throw down the l-bomb? Is 'regards' too formal? One kiss or two? Whether you've been with your significant human for twenty years or one exhausting weekend we've got a few helpful, and not at all risky, suggestions for your message inside the card:

1. Your hair always looks fairly clean.

2. I think you’d still look nice even if all your jeans were slightly too short.

3. Your face reminds me of a painting by a famous painter. But not the Mona Lisa because everyone knows that one and it’s too obvious.

4. If you told me a secret I wouldn't tell anyone. Unless I strongly believed that it required intervention from the relevant authorities and standard human morality dictated my actions accordingly.

5. I’d always swipe right for you.

6. If we only had one phone charger I’d let you plug your phone in first and get it up to 15% battery before unplugging it.

7. If you used Internet Explorer, and favoured it over other search engines even after trying all the alternatives, I would learn to accept it.

8. If you got really drunk, and were embarrassed about it the next day, I’d always tell you that you ‘weren’t that bad’.

9. You look a bit like that actor/actress from that film I saw that time. I don’t remember their name, or what else they've been in, but you’re a dead ringer.

10. I’d sit through an entire episode of Waterloo Road if you wanted to watch it. I wouldn't be happy about it. But I’d do it.

11. If we went food shopping, and I was packing the bags, I'd pack the heavy stuff into the one I was going to carry home. Even if we had bought extra milk because your parents were thinking of popping by.

12. I've learned to live with the fact that you’re ‘not really an animal person’. But I might silently judge you for it.

13. If you had cold feet, I would take my socks off and insist that you wear them, even if my feet were also quite cold. You’re worth having quite cold feet for.

14. I don’t put mushrooms in stuff because I know you don’t like them. I really miss mushrooms, you know.

15. You are my favourite human. Even counting my parents and people I've known for years who’d probably be offended if they knew.

We should probably mention that you use these messages at your own risk and innocent cannot be held responsible for any coincidental relationship breakdowns that occur shortly afterwards.

50 Shades of Grey

50 shades of grape

 

The colour grey has never received the recognition it deserves. We've had the 'Green Mile', 'The Thin Blue Line', 'A Clockwork Orange', 'Red Dawn', 'The Colour Purple',  - pretty much every colour has been catered for by some film or another. Well, grey is finally getting its time to shine this weekend as the film based on the definitive almanac of all things grey, 'Fifty Shades of Grey', is being released. Thank goodness we say - finally, the balance has been restored and the stigma for what is, admittedly, one of the more uninteresting colours on the spectrum has been lifted. It's time to praise the grey, and about time too.

However we will admit that we were a bit surprised when we heard there were fifty shades. Seemed a bit much. We decided to investigate and, after completing a very lengthy Google search (in which we saw many things we wish we could unsee) it turns out there actually aren't fifty - someone didn't do their research. So, to save the day, and the embarrassment of the author and film makers, we've come up with all fifty shades ourselves:

  1. grey
  2. light grey
  3. dark grey
  4. really light grey
  5. really dark grey
  6. pigeon
  7. dust
  8. overpriced laptops
  9. all fax machines
  10. old blinds
  11. dirty snow
  12. the ashes of the deceased
  13. cobwebs
  14. the moon
  15. the pebbles in that photo of pebbles
  16. George Clooney’s hair
  17. Kelly Osborne’s hair that time
  18. the face of a person who may imminently vomit
  19. the hearts of people not quite evil enough to have black ones
  20. dolphins
  21. mascara tears
  22. slate
  23. the carpet in the Banks family household after the chimney sweep scene
  24. any loose change that isn’t brown
  25. the Earth from a very, very, very great distance
  26. anything from a very, very, very great distance
  27. the B Side to ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay
  28. an aubergine and white chocolate smoothie
  29. Poirot’s brain cells
  30. Santa’s beard after a big night out
  31. most wolves
  32. Gandalf
  33. a dirty swan
  34. old underwear
  35. the legs of an ostrich
  36. some suitcases
  37. old statues in the grounds of a stately home
  38. a grey hat
  39. your hands after holding a free newspaper
  40. the fluff of a baby penguin
  41. Miss Havisham’s wedding dress
  42. koala bears
  43. the sea in Britain most of the time
  44. a mirror if an elephant is reflected in it
  45. unbuffed silverware
  46. lots of buildings
  47. most fish
  48. the cat that Professor McGonagall turns into in Harry Potter
  49. Hippopotamuses
  50. paint when you try and recreate the colour you made earlier

Think we managed to capture the most important ones. Update your Dulux colour match swatches accordingly.

Animals in Big Knit hats

The Big Knit has been in full swing over the last couple of weeks and you lovely lot have been showering us with lots of excellent photos of your behatted smoothies (keep 'em coming). In the case of...erm...the more...enthusiastic...among you you've even gone so far as to place the hats atop a fluffy head or two. As it's difficult to think of many things more adorable than a pet sporting a tiny hat we've compiled our Top 5 favourite animals in Big Knit hats so far:

5. Georgia's cat Kevin

Black and maroon go together like Kim and Kanye and Georgia's cat Kevin knows it. Front paws splayed, eyes fixed mischievously on the camera, whiskers perfectly groomed, fur sleek and glossy: this is a cat who knows how to wear a hat. Bravo Kevin. Bravo.

 

4. Lucy-Elanor's guinea pig Daphne

A tiny bear on the head of a guinea pig? They said it couldn't be done, they said it had never been seen before, they laughed, oh how they laughed...LOOK UPON THIS PHOTO AND WEEP, MY FRIENDS. Lucy-Elanor has succeeded where many have failed (probably) by successfully placing a tiny bear hat on the head of a long haired guinea pig called Daphne. You're our hero, Lucy-Elanor.

 

 

3. Katy's degu Moss

This degu. What is a degu? Is it a chinchilla? Is it a possum? Is it a big rat? Whatever it is, Katy's degu, Moss, is our favourite degu. Ever. Especially when he's wearing a hat with dreadlocks attached. Glastonbury ready, for sure.

 

2. Ella the rabbit

This photo of @Tubayv's rabbit Ella should hang in the National Portrait Gallery. Perfect sideways turn, Mona-Lisa-esque ambiguous smile, powerful glare - it's got all the makings of a masterpiece. And the hat covering the ears? A stroke of genius. Hilarious genius.

 

1. Andrew's dog Orla

Regal. Majestic. Sublime. Lofty. Appraising. Imposing. Dog-like. These words, and more, came to mind when we spotted this photo of Andrew's dog Orla sporting a Big Knit hat. We've never seen an animal look quite so dignified with a miniature woolly hat perched on the top of their head and we just feel that Orla has taken the whole thing to another level. A level that we weren't expecting. If Orla's free for any ad work, be sure to give us a bell, Andrew, yeah?

 

Thanks to everyone who has bought one of our behatted bottles this year - whether you've placed them atop the head of an animal or not you've made our day and helped raise lots of money for Age UK. You're the best, basically.